Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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