I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
