i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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