i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Randomize
