the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
