she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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