question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
