i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
