My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize