you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
