Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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