We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
