drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
