im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
