Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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