I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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