i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
