There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
