I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
