May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
