What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
