My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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