Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
