I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
