oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
