kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
