Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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