I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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