Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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