i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
