Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
