Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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