you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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