The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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