a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
