I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
