Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
