One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
