I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize