Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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