at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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