So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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