I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
