I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
