you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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