Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
