We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
