u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize