I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
