We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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