Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
