i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I have aggressive nipples.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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