Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
