so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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